First week of university.
A new class, a new set of faces.
A refresh of year two.
Going to the same lectures as I did last year has really made me feel the repercussions of my actions.
Nothing changes; arriving earlier than most individuals, finding a space for myself with ample room around me.
But this time, the absence of friends strolling across the lecture theatre to see the space left for them. Replaced by the look of strangers.
The feeling of awkwardness and the weird look I face when I ask a simple question about the timetable as if I don’t belong here. Listening to the chitchat feels lile deja vu, like a cassette tape of conversations from last year “do you have labs now?” “When’s your tutorial?”
But that doesn’t hurt the most. What hurts the most is seeing my previous coursemates. At the end of lectures, being dragged to the side for a quick catch up and chat.
Seeing them at the gym, dragged aside for another chat up.
Going online, being asked for a quick check up.
I know the questions they want to ask, but I know they don’t want to hurt my feelings so avoid it altogether.
They’re all pretty much on their last year at uni. Me? Still another two possibly three.
"It happens to people" yes,
But I don’t think anyone not even I would have thought that it’ll happen to me.
Maybe this time round I’d swallow my pride and admit what’s wrong. Why not? There’s no one left to prove anything to.
No form of normality to conform to.
Nobody to live my life for except for myself.
It sucks, a lot but like Newton’s Third Law of motion “for every action, there’s an opposite reaction” in layman’s terminology, it’s time to come back to earth, back to reality.
I’m not embarassed, I’d happily admit that I had to retake.
Rather I should be grateful that I made this self realisation now rather than later on life. At least then I wouldn’t fuck something up that may make a greater impact of my life.
Primary Mission: Be the very best.
Secondary: Find myself. And most importantly be happy.
Even though its name is the Cold War the war was actually very hot.